These Tick-isms brough to you by $Id$. % I'm betting I'm just abnormal enough to survive! % What's in a name anyway? If I were called Bob or Jack or Vinnie or a piece of fruit, would I be any less a hero? % Slide show ... boring ... losing consciousness ... % What manner of quandary is this? % My mind is a scary place! That's bizarre with a capital B! % Don't count your weasels before they pop, dink! % Soon, they will know me! Soon, they will need me! % Show me where it hurts! % Dot, you look lovely tonight! Your hair is a halo of mouse-brown fire! % Take that, naughty spawn! % I'll take the porcelain dog, and the rest on a gift certificate, Chuck. % Let us not forget - man was not made to tamper with any of the four basic food groups! % You gotta suck that lozenge! Cause if you don't - who will? % Ohh ... what a show! What atmosphere! What fun ... and for free! % Cool, crime of the century! % What tired routine will you do for an encore? % Yes! I'm doing laundry ... oohhh, laundry! % OOOO ... I look cool! % Now is the time! Seize the day! % Take that, object of modern convenience! % Nothing like a bit of drama to clear the sinuses! % Now, now, no need to get worked up! % The boots of evil were made for walkin'! % This looks like a job for legal tender! % You've got that right, weirdo! % Destiny has her hand on my back - and she's pushing! % We're a public service, we don't have time to be glamour boys! Do you get my drift? % You're not going crazy Arthur, you're going sane in a crazy world! Hug your destiny, Arthur! % Let's hang ten for justice! % Riding a bran muffin through the human digestive tract - what fun! % I don't know the meaning of the word surrender! I mean I know it, I'm not dumb, just not in this context. % Oh, the stink of it! % Aaahhh, savory cheese puffs, made inedible by time and fate! % Life is just a big, wild, crazy tossed salad. But you don't eat it - no sir! You live it! % Gravity is a harsh mistress! % If you two don't stop this roughhousing, someone's going to get hurt and end up crying! % Ahh, commercials! Brace yourself while corporate America tries to sell us its wretched things! % Guns and super-heroes don't mix - seek professional help! % ENUNCIATE! % I feel funky, monkey! % I never knew I could learn so much ... now just to retain it! % Hot dog! A worthy adversary! % Supermodels don't usually date guys that live in the dirt! % Spooooooooon!!! % Tick: You know Arthur, thanks to all of this, I've learned that you really can't judge a book by its cover. Except for the Lavaman book of course. Because he looked mean and ugly on the outside, and he really was mean on the inside too! And that's what's important. The inside of a person. Now take those molemen for instance ... Arthur: No Tick. What's really important right now, is us getting inside and getting some sleep. Tick: Sleep indeed Arthur! % You know Arthur, it's really been quite a day. From the outside, on the surface, oh sure, we were pursued by Swiss Industrial Spies, trapped in the belly of a whale. But what really pursued us. Where were we really trapped? COME ON ARTHUR! GET META WITH ME! What pursued us were our own obsessions. I'm good. You're evil. I'm a superhero. You're a sidekick. I'm a woman. You're a man. What does it all mean? NOTHING! And where were we all trapped? I'll tell you where Arthur. In the belly of love! Love chum, LOVE! % Tick: You know Arthur, when evil is afoot, and you don't have any arms, you gotta use your head. And when evil is ahead, and you're behind, you've gotta do the legwork. But when you can't get a leg up, you've gotta be hip! You gotta keep your chin up. And kick some ... Arthur: Tick, we get the idea. Tick: Well then sidekick ... GIMME SOMMA THEM ARMS! % You know Arthur, when you spend two months riding around on a really big man, you start to learn a few things about yourself. You learn that it's a really great thing to stay on earth and live in a place that has no arms and legs of its own. And most importantly Arthur, you learn how to close your eyes and tell yourself ... this just isn't happening to me! % Oh, you know Arthur. This strange Christmas episode has taught us much. Now we know that Santa is real. He's a compulsive gift giver and he's Christmas all over! We, like his wonderous reindeer, should carry his message forward. So shove that bit in your mouth, shake your mousy antlers, strike your hooves against the sky! Or just wake up and open your presents! I mean ... What the hey! IT'S CHRISTMAS! % And so Arthur, we learn that gambling is bad! And yet, in a certain sense, isn't life itself a gamble? You can never really be sure of anything. Like, who would have thought dolphins could go bad, or that fish were magnetic! Not me sir. NOT ME! % Tick: You know gang, when you're a superhero, you never know where the day will take you. You may find yourself half way around the world in the shark infested waters of true to life living. Or you may find yourself going down to the store for a lozenge. You can't know can you? No! You gotta ride that wave, you gotta suck that lozenge! Cause if you don't ... WHO WILL?! American Maid: Where do you get this stuff? Tick: Where indeed! % You know, evil comes in many forms. Be it a Man-Eating Cow or Joseph Stalin, but you can't let the package hide the pudding. EVIL IS JUST PLAIN BAD! You don't cotton to it, you gotta smack it in the nose with the rolled up newspaper of goodness! Bad dog! Bad dog! And you don't do it for money, no, you do it for love. You know, I learned something this past week. On justice and on friendship, there is no price. But there are established credit limits. % You know, even though today was the worst day of my life, I learned many things. First, the world looks a lot different when you're six inches tall and covered with feathers. Second, two heads are definately NOT better than one. And finally, you can lay an egg and still feel like a man! % You know, I've heard that the smarter you are, the more wrinkly your brain. And your guys brains must be the wrinkliest! Oh sure, ordinary Joes like me and Arthur here, maybe our brains are a little on the smooth side, but you don't have to be a genius to know that EVIl is bad. And GOOD ... ISN'T! % Arthur, the 4th dimension is just one big crazy do not enter clambaked jungle of wierdity! And how does it work? NEVERMIND! % Well, it just goes to show. Mother Nature has a load of tricks up her green sleeves and tonight she really put her feet down! % Tick: Wherever Villainy rears it's great big head. Wherever evil sets its giant ill smelling foot. You will find, THE TICK! Arthur: Oh, and Arthur. His sidekick! Tick: Good show! And yes, my sidekick Arthur. Certainly a force to be reckoned with. And so, may evil beware, and may good dress warmly and eat plenty of fresh vegetables. % Well once again my friend, we find that science is a two headed beast. One head is nice. It gives us aspirin and other modern conveniences. But the other head of science is BAD! Oh beware the other head of science Arthur! It BITES! And it can really ruin a good day off! % The human mind is a dangerous plaything boys. When it's used for evil, WATCH OUT! But when it's used for good, then things are much nicer. And lets try and keep that ... IN MIND! % Ah yes! Grateful! Grateful because the family unit is the glue, the muscillage, the various safety tested adhesives that keep the fabric of our society together. Bless that big sticky quilt that blankets this land of ours in caring and Sharing! % Tick: There are many mysteries in this universe, big and small. Like, why do clowns make us laugh? Why do we love puppy dogs? And why, why do little blue midgets hit me with fish? Everybody Else: What!?! Tick: See what I mean! Mysteries abound! % Comfort, committment, marriage ... What do these things have in common? The letter 'C'. Except for marriage. And if people get all British whenever they get knocked on the head, what do British people get? I know! COMATOSE! Another 'C' word! % And isn't sanity really just a one trick pony anyway? I mean, all you get is one trick! Rational thinking. But when you're good and crazy, oooh!! The sky's the limit! % Tick: You can't judge a sewer by its manhole cover. No sir, people can be very different under the surface than they might seem. Quiet, nild mannered soles just might turn out to be roaring lions of two fisted cool! And roaring lions of two fisted cool just might have some crippling lobster problems. Listen man, it's all crazy down there under the surface. A lost wallet could bite you in half! A bar of soap could save your life! Egads! A disgusting mound of muck might have some very compelling ideas! Do you dig my ditch?! Die Fledermaus: Oh yeah, definately % Tick: So that mustache was in love. Oh, that's COOL! Love is cool! That mustache was cool! But it didn't make me cool. It made Sewer Urchin swing ten miles by his upper lip. Sewer Urchin: Twelve and a half. Yeah. Tick: Look at Jim Rage. He should have been cool. He had a cool eyepatch, cool RV, cool gadgets. And he travelled the world with three vivacious, exciting, talented beauticians! That's cool! But he wasn't cool. You know Arthur, I may have lost my mustache, but I've gained a .... Ha-ha-ha ... I haven't gained a thing. % Everybody was a baby once Arthur. Oh sure, maybe not today or even yesterday, but once! BABIES CHUM! Tiny, dimpled, fleshy lttle mirrors of our USNESS that we parents hurl into the future like leathery footbalss of hope! And you gotta get a good spiral on that baby, or evil will make an interception! Ready, break! 1, 3, 13, 26 HIKE! Go deep Arthur! GO DEEPER! % ... And thank you for teaching us all that love is thicker than most bodily membranes. But not quite as sticky. And that a heart full of love is better than a body full of people. Verily, the feet that carry us on the heart's path today, will be the feet that soak in the steaming brew of happiness tomorrow! % I hope you boys have learned your lesson. In love, there's a right way and a wrong way to do things. The right way is to take someone TO a movie. The wrong way is to take someone FROM a movie. Because kidnapping is just plain wrong! Not only that, it's wrong in the eyes of the law. Wally, I'm pretty sure they'll try you as an adult. And I'm not talking about detention neither. I'M TALKING ABOUT DETENTION! And what have we learned about Aztecs? Well, nothing really. Because you can't trust everything you read. Especially in history books you get from gas stations! But you can trust Speak. Right boy!?! % Absolute power is a sticky wicket. And Arthur chum ... you were the stickiest! Don't you get it good friend? Some of the best things come in small packages. But large things can't! Unless they're inflatable or require some assembly, or unless they're hearts. Yes, giant, juicy, loving hearts. Big as the moon, but much, much warmer. Right Speak!?! % When a nice clean brain tumbles to the dirty street, to lie among the discarded wrappers and spat out gum wads of wickedness, you can't just pick it up and wash it off with soap and water! You gotta think it clean from the inside out! % Tick: But what have we really learned? Well, for one thing, not everyone can know everything. Some people don't know anything. I myself don't know much. But I do know this ... hmm, hmm ... that, ah ... well the thing I just said. I also know that you've all passed the course. Except for Sarcastro ... WHO PASSES WITH THE HIGHEST HONORS! Sarcastro: Ah, ah ... I do!?! Tick: Ha, ha, ha ... YEAH RIGHT!!